Hi Britney, your comment wall is here already - this is the one that people will reach when they click on the Comment Wall label at your blog. You don't need to make any new Comments Pages. :-)
Hey Britney!! First off, I love the colors and backgrounds you used as the theme of your blog. Based off of the image on your cover page, I'm guessing your stories will have something to do with water, making the website background even more fitting. Also, the fonts you use are very elegant, and really contribute to the overall atmosphere the site provides.
The only criticism I have of the cover page, is perhaps you want to get rid of some of the space above the image and blow the image up slightly, just so that the page does not feel so empty. It's a great image, so increasing its size and decreasing the blank space around it will really enhance the page.
As far as the introduction goes, you do a great job of introducing the unknown character of Mucchanu, and describing both his appearance and his curiosity and want for adventure. And the way you set the scene, with him venturing into his mother's room and finding a hidden passage with a mysterious chest and elegant love letters--brilliant!! It creates a sense of mystery and heightened anticipation, and perfectly prepares the reader for the letters to come. Fantastic job! :)
The setup of your webpage makes it easy to navigate. The background colors compliment on another and after reading your introduction I can see that your color choice is something that goes along with your water theme. One critique about your webpage is the homepage; the subtitle gets a little lost so maybe do something so it stands out a little more. As far as your introduction is concerned, I found it to be an interesting opening to your storybook. All the elements are there that allow the reader to understand what they about to read. You give a good deal of background in short amount of time which is a good thing. The details about the surrounding you provided in the introduction were great. One line that stuck out the most was “carefully walk down the stairwell. He could barely see his own tail because it was so dark. The only light in the room was the light coming from his mother’s bedroom. As his eyes adjusted, he saw a little treasure chest placed in the middle of the room. There was nothing else in sight in the little dark room other than this chest and the book shelf.” By your description I can completely picture the staircase and the room. One critique about your introduction would be that you may want to read over it again and reword it a little better. You do such a great job of not wasting words in most of your introduction but there are a few spots like this one “This one day, he had the goal to find something new. He was tired of searching around and seeing the same old stuff” that if you just reworded it a little would really make your introduction stand out. All in all I think you have done a good job of not only peaking the reader’s interest but also setting up your storybook.
Hey good morning Britney! I like what you have going on with your storybook. The cover page kind of draws you in with the pleasant background and ornate picture of a mermaid. The tittle is another enticing aspect of your storybook, I mean who doesn’t like reading love letters. Moving onto the introductory portion, I really like how you made the font a bluish color. I feel as though it’s fitting for a story that’s taking place predominantly under the ocean, plus it looks pretty cool. Macchanu sounds like quite the mischievous little character, I’ll be anxious to see what kind of trouble he ends up getting into. I can sympathies with him though, it must be difficult not knowing who your father is and if I got a chance to maybe find out by breaking a few rules I think I would. The imagery you used in the story was also pretty fantastic; I envisioned a place kind of resembling the setting of the Little Mermaid. The first letter section turned out nicely as well. I feel as though the commentary of the letters truly came to life and I was actually experiencing the back and forth exchange of Hanuman and Suvannamaccha. Keep up the good work. I hope to read more of the storybook in the future, I’m curious as to how it will all play out.
Hey there Britney! I just got done exploring your storybook and have to admit I was intrigued when I read your title. Love is such an important theme throughout the Ramayana that I think you have a great opportunity for some fun stories from there. Real quick, before I get into the content of your storybook, i just want to say how smart it was to include a well-chosen title and picture on your first page with no further information or explanation. It drew me in so quick! Now, to the meat of your storybook. I thought it was really cool that you chose to center your storybook around a character that we are not familiar with from our readings. It really grabbed my interest because I knew i'd be learning about someone new, and was really pleased with how you tied the new character in with Hanuman (one of my favorite characters in the Ramayana). It's also cool that you took a Thai version of a character's story and integrated it into your coursework. Your story was fun to read and I really liked the imagery you created. I love mermaids, so your story was great for me! I wish it was longer! You did a great job, keep it up in future stories!
On the cover page, my first thought was that there was a lot of space between the title and the picture. I do like how you have the water on the sides of the screen. With the picture being of a mermaid and the story being told kind of about a mermaid/monkey, it fits really well. In the introduction, you set up a nice atmosphere of adventure as Macchanu finds the hidden bookshelf and walks down the dark passageway. At the end of the story maybe you should try to explain why it took twelve years for Macchanu to find out who his father was and why Hanuman never sees his son. In the second letter you wrote “I knew you had something to talk about but we never actually ended up getting to that.” Why didn’t they get to that? Maybe add a sentence or two describing what happened to prevent them from getting their business done. The picture of the fish on the page of the first two letters doesn’t really fit with what’s going on. Maybe try to find a picture of the bridge being built or something. If the account of Macchanu is only in Thai versions of the story, how did you come to find out about him? Also, it’s hard to read what your links say due to the color of the words being very similar to your background. Overall this looks good and interesting!
Hey Britney, I really appreciate the comments you posted on my blog about my storybook project. I am glad you enjoyed reading my storybook and had some advice to give me because that sure helps me do much better with my writing and storybook skills as well. I will definitely work on making sure my storybook writing gets better. Thank you!
Hi Britney, Your cover page seems a little plain. The photo you have chosen is great but it would really add a lot to the first page your readers view if you adding a few more photos or enlarged the current photo. Your introduction is very descriptive and I am able to imagine your characters in action as their story is told. I absolutely love the way you have set this up. I was confused at first where this was going but the final paragraph was perfect. I cannot wait to read what the letters contain! The photo you chose is great because it helps explain further that these letters are happy love letters and not anything morbid. I did not know where to go from the introduction because you links to the left are out of order. I went to “The First Letters” and I think that is where you wanted us to go after we read the introduction. You might try reordering these links- I know there is an explanation for how to do this on the class website! Ah! I really like how modern Hanuman’s writing is. The way he appears very logical and wants to meet up with Suvannamaccha and talk things out is so much fun to imagine because it seems like nothing in the Ramayana is dealt with this way. There is always an ultimatum of some form and I really like how he just wants to work things out.
On first visiting your story book I noticed a nice aquatic theme and a picture of a half naked mermaid. I thought the design was good and easy to navigate. However, I would consider changing the font color on the image source link. The white font is impossible to read against your background. Also, the links to your pages are out of order. This happened to me as well and I had to play around with the settings to get them to behave. I thought your introduction did a great job of introducing your characters. You did an excellent job of showing just how curious Macchanu really is. As you being the first story you did a great job of portraying Macchanu as a sneaky kid up to some mischief. I really like how your first story ties in with the main plot of Ramayana. The first letter seems like something that Hanuman would actually write, very well done. The underwater image you included was great, it looks like Macchanu has some great views under there. I thought you did a great job creating your own story. You must have done some research to find the Thai version where Hanuman has a son. Keep up the good work!
Hi Britney! Just got done going through your whole story book and I loved it! I'm glad that both of the storybooks I get to read this week are about love because I am naturally a hopeless romantic. I really loved reading about these characters that you chose to include because they were the ones who I did not pay too much attention to while reading. I was a little confused about the falling in love section about the introduction but I'm sure that will be an easy fix! I thought your pictures you picked worked great with giving your storybook a romantic feel! I really love stories where the characters are given such strong personalities and they are so evident in the text. You are so creative from what you have written and I love reading these characters come alive so much more than just what we have been reading! I also really like seeing stories through the eyes of other characters. I love having the freedom to manipulate them to feel however we want them to feel. Great job so far! Really love seeing everyone's individual personalities come out in these assignments! Can't wait to read more!
Your introduction had me hooked from the beginning about why this monkey had a mermaid mother. When you mentioned that he did not know who his father was, I knew the stories to follow would probably include a search for the father. Your creativity behind exploring the letters hidden deep in the chest of the dark room was great. I really felt like I was creeping down the dark stairwell with Macchanu and could feel his nervousness as he explored what was in the chest. You leave the reader hanging and allows a great transition into your first story.
Your first story starts off with Macchanu opening the letter with anxiety. Again, you can really feel the nervousness of Macchanu as you describe how he curls up and begins to read the letter. It transitions perfectly into the letter. The writing was kept simple and fits the style of writing a letter, which does not need a lot of fluffy vocabulary. After reading your Author's note, I was impressed with your decision to have Macchanu tell the stories even though he was not the storyteller in the original. It adds character and makes it more of an adventure to see if he will find out who his father is.
Hello Britney! Once again, I am left to state that I really enjoyed reading your stories! Last time I had only read your introduction, and so I was very excited to see what mysteries Macchanu had discovered. And I was not disappointed!
Your stories and letters are simple, and yet intriguing in their simplicity. I was able to see the story of Hanuman's and Suvannamaccha's relationship unfolding, and could sense the development of their respect and affections for each other throughout the letters. You are doing a fantastic job of creating a slow build, of drawing out the suspense in order to heighten the anticipation.
However, I did have a couple of suggestions to make. First, on the sidebar of your website, you have the link to your most recent story at the top above your introduction and first story. It may make more sense to visitors to your page (especially first time visitors!) if you moved this link to below the first story so that all of the page links are in order. Just a suggestion!!
Then, in "The First Letters," you have "he peeks out his. . ." when you should have, "out of his. . ." Also, in your story "Falling in Love," you have a couple of simple spelling/grammar mistakes that need fixed. For one, in the first letter on this page, you have, "You are such a beautiful women," instead of "You are such a beautiful woman." Easy enough to fix. then you have "preceded" instead of "proceeded" in the transition between the letters. Then, in the second letter, you have, "before no time," when you should have, "in no time." Again, just something simple to fix as you continue with your storybook.
Overall, great job!! I look forward to the rest of your tales!!
Okay, so you need to do a bit of cleaning up on your storybook. Your navigation is not in order, which made it incredibly confusing for me because I read everything out of order. Then you have an extra link for “Macchanu’s Discovery” at the top of your page, and you need to get rid of that. Other than that, I’m not a huge fan of the photos you’ve chosen for your storybook. They’re all different stylistically and it detracted from the believability of the storybook in a way. It makes everything not cohesive and I’m a big believer in cohesiveness. I think you’ve got a really interesting storybook here and I am so excited to read everything once it’s done, but right now it’s a hot, hot mess. I think your background could be a better picture, because the one you’ve got is a little blurry, and then I don’t understand the little bit of your content area that is see-through. It’s a little weird. I think it would be awesome if you put a picture in your heading of either water or mermaid scales (that would be gorgeous if you had purples and sky blues in it because then it would tie everything together color-wise). I know I’ve said a lot, but I promise, I really do love your storybook. Just fix the navigation!
Hi Britney! I liked your introduction and first story so much that I’ve returned to read your second story. I’m writing these notes as I read the story, so this’ll hopefully have some order to it. Does Savannamaccha have a fear of germs or something? Why would a little cold prevent her from wanting to see him? Hanuman’s letter starts off very gooey like any good love letter. It feels strange how for half of each letter they’re lovers and the other half they’re foreign dignitaries. I can’t think of a better way to blend them, though. Maybe if you made the letters a little longer and added some more details about their romance or their meetings that would help. I can’t see the picture you chose, but my internet has been acting up today. I like how you chose to share Macchanu’s feelings as he learns about his father. One idea would be to have him describe how he envisions Hanuman every few letters so we can see how his opinion of his father changes. I went back and read over the first letters again and I wonder why Savannamaccha was so ready to abandon her father’s wishes to please this stranger. Maybe describe something that happened in their first meeting to make her switch loyalties. For the most part this is really good! I’m excited to see what’s in the last letters and how Macchanu reacts!
Introduction: A story book about Hanuman falling in love with a mermaid. AWESOME! This is one portion of Ramayana that I wish Narayan and Buck but into their stories. I’m sure if it was a woman who wrote a version they would include this story. Anyways, you storybook is the first version of this part of the story that I have read, and I love it. I love the idea of telling the story of their love from the perspective of their child who does not know why he is half monkey. He must be one incredible child to be a son of Hanuman.
The First Letters: I love Macchanu’s curiosity, and how he finds the letters in a hidden chamber. Anything found in a secret room has to be important and most likely pretty cool. This shows that his mom valued these letters above all of her other possessions.
Falling in Love: Ravana adds a little extra conflict within the story. The fact that he forbids his daughter from ever seeing Hanuman again adds the classic idea that love looks better when it is forbidden. You did a wonderful job with this. Overall I love your storybook, and I think you are doing a good job with it.
Hi Britney, I would like to say that your idea for your story book is really creative. Soon as I approached your website it caught my eye, mainly because of the blue ocean back ground which is a cooling effect to my eyes. The background also fit the idea of the story, where the boy is a mermaid who is swimming around to find out who his dad is. It all perfectly fit together. Your introduction was on point too, it did a great a job of explaining a character and conveying his feelings and using that to be the center of your story. After reading your first storybook post, I have to agree the letter format for your idea really does fit it pretty well. It was the perfect format to convey how things went down between the mermaid and Hanuman and also convey what the characters must be feelings since letters are wrote from a first person perspective. I couldn’t really think of anything that you could change or add to make your introduction or your story better as I thought it was perfect. Overall I enjoyed reading your work and really hope to be reading more in the future.
Hey Britney. It's weird that after all the times that I've commented on your blog and storytelling posts, I hadn't actually seen your storybook. Coverpage: I really liked the background that you chose. It fits really well with the picture of the mermaid on your coverpage. The only thing that I would suggest is changing the amount of space between the title and the picture. It doesn't make much of a difference, but it make be nice not to have to scroll to see the rest of the picture. Introduction: What a great and suspenseful introduction! I really liked how you developed Macchanu's character. This is such a unique idea, and you have so much freedom in writing your stories since Macchanu's story is not explicitly defined in the Ramayana. The picture at the bottom also fits really well. I noticed one spelling mistake at the very end. You said that he "look out the letter" instead of that he took out the letter. The First Letters: I really liked how you divided the stories into shorter letters. This style does a great job of allowing time to elapse between each topic that you want to discuss.
Great job so far! I look forward to reading more as you finish up your storybook.
Hey, Britney! What a fun story! I really enjoy stories of love and romance, so I especially enjoyed reading how this couple met and how they eventually would fall in love. The storybook was very easy to read and was not confusing which I really appreciate. I definitely was intrigued and wanted to keep reading on – I am looking forward to your next story! I also was very impressed at how much research you did for this storybook. In your author’s note you mentioned that according to Indian tradition, Hanuman doesn’t have any kids but in the Thai version, he does. This definitely shows your time and thought you put into getting the whole picture and looking things up online which is really impressive. I love how you set up the story through letter writing- it’s so romantic and sweet! On another note, your blog layout is very nice. The wave background helps out with the mermaid idea, and the text is easy to read on the background. Also, the pictures you used were so colorful and fun – it helped give it a fun sort of feel. I definitely have enjoyed reading your storybook and am really excited to read more of it!
Hi Britney! I thought your cover page was interesting since I could only go off the title of the story and it was surprising to see a mermaid figure but after reading your introduction it made more sense to me. Also, the underwater background is a nice touch and fits with the theme. I thought your introduction was thought out and put together well. Making the main character a son of Hanuman (since he is half monkey) was creative. Making Macchanu so curious and adventurous was believable due to his circumstances as well. I like how he uses this character trait to ultimately lead him to the love letters, thus setting up the storybook. I think having Hanuman and Suvannamaccha write letters to eachother was a great route to take. The first letter to the mermaid from Hanuman gives the reader the background to how they meet and includes a story from the Ramayana which is perfect. I am glad you decided to have Macchanu read a second letter in the first story. The sweetness of the mermaid to Hanuman commenting on his attractive state was a clever way to add flirting and transforms the letters to 'love letters' like your title suggests. The author’s note included a lot of research you had done which adds dimension and credibility to your thought process and setup of this storybook so that was great!
I just realized when I went to post this comment that the title of your storybook is "love letters: Hanuman's discovery" but really it is all about Macchanu's discovery... might change that before the whole storybook is finished :)
Britney, this is the second time I have visited your storybook and this time I read the latest story ‘Falling in Love’. The title of this story indicates romance and I could see the flirting going on through the letters and I can tell they are infatuated with one another. I think it is important to know as a reader that at this time in this world, infatuation leads to love much like love at first sight between Sita and Rama. I like how you remind the reader that it is Macchanu who is reading these letters at the beginning by hiding his actions from his mother. Otherwise, you could have jumped right into telling the next letters and this wouldn’t have connected the stories together as well as you did so that was a creative call! I love how the two love birds bond over their hate for Ravana even though Suvannamaccha is his daughter. Also, the dreams that Macchanu has that night about what his father is like adds suspense to the story like you mention in your author’s note. It’s a fun journey for him to find out who his real father is and he gets to know the whole story from both sides through each of their letters otherwise he would only hear from his mother if directly asked so I love it!
I just wanted to say thank you so much for all of your advice and criticisms throughout the semester. It was all so helpful and I just really appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and help me out! Thank you thank you! Good luck with finals!
Hi Britney, your comment wall is here already - this is the one that people will reach when they click on the Comment Wall label at your blog. You don't need to make any new Comments Pages. :-)
ReplyDeleteHey Britney!! First off, I love the colors and backgrounds you used as the theme of your blog. Based off of the image on your cover page, I'm guessing your stories will have something to do with water, making the website background even more fitting. Also, the fonts you use are very elegant, and really contribute to the overall atmosphere the site provides.
ReplyDeleteThe only criticism I have of the cover page, is perhaps you want to get rid of some of the space above the image and blow the image up slightly, just so that the page does not feel so empty. It's a great image, so increasing its size and decreasing the blank space around it will really enhance the page.
As far as the introduction goes, you do a great job of introducing the unknown character of Mucchanu, and describing both his appearance and his curiosity and want for adventure. And the way you set the scene, with him venturing into his mother's room and finding a hidden passage with a mysterious chest and elegant love letters--brilliant!! It creates a sense of mystery and heightened anticipation, and perfectly prepares the reader for the letters to come. Fantastic job! :)
The setup of your webpage makes it easy to navigate. The background colors compliment on another and after reading your introduction I can see that your color choice is something that goes along with your water theme. One critique about your webpage is the homepage; the subtitle gets a little lost so maybe do something so it stands out a little more.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your introduction is concerned, I found it to be an interesting opening to your storybook. All the elements are there that allow the reader to understand what they about to read. You give a good deal of background in short amount of time which is a good thing. The details about the surrounding you provided in the introduction were great. One line that stuck out the most was “carefully walk down the stairwell. He could barely see his own tail because it was so dark. The only light in the room was the light coming from his mother’s bedroom. As his eyes adjusted, he saw a little treasure chest placed in the middle of the room. There was nothing else in sight in the little dark room other than this chest and the book shelf.” By your description I can completely picture the staircase and the room. One critique about your introduction would be that you may want to read over it again and reword it a little better. You do such a great job of not wasting words in most of your introduction but there are a few spots like this one “This one day, he had the goal to find something new. He was tired of searching around and seeing the same old stuff” that if you just reworded it a little would really make your introduction stand out. All in all I think you have done a good job of not only peaking the reader’s interest but also setting up your storybook.
Hey good morning Britney! I like what you have going on with your storybook. The cover page kind of draws you in with the pleasant background and ornate picture of a mermaid. The tittle is another enticing aspect of your storybook, I mean who doesn’t like reading love letters. Moving onto the introductory portion, I really like how you made the font a bluish color. I feel as though it’s fitting for a story that’s taking place predominantly under the ocean, plus it looks pretty cool. Macchanu sounds like quite the mischievous little character, I’ll be anxious to see what kind of trouble he ends up getting into. I can sympathies with him though, it must be difficult not knowing who your father is and if I got a chance to maybe find out by breaking a few rules I think I would. The imagery you used in the story was also pretty fantastic; I envisioned a place kind of resembling the setting of the Little Mermaid. The first letter section turned out nicely as well. I feel as though the commentary of the letters truly came to life and I was actually experiencing the back and forth exchange of Hanuman and Suvannamaccha. Keep up the good work. I hope to read more of the storybook in the future, I’m curious as to how it will all play out.
ReplyDeleteHey there Britney! I just got done exploring your storybook and have to admit I was intrigued when I read your title. Love is such an important theme throughout the Ramayana that I think you have a great opportunity for some fun stories from there. Real quick, before I get into the content of your storybook, i just want to say how smart it was to include a well-chosen title and picture on your first page with no further information or explanation. It drew me in so quick!
ReplyDeleteNow, to the meat of your storybook. I thought it was really cool that you chose to center your storybook around a character that we are not familiar with from our readings. It really grabbed my interest because I knew i'd be learning about someone new, and was really pleased with how you tied the new character in with Hanuman (one of my favorite characters in the Ramayana). It's also cool that you took a Thai version of a character's story and integrated it into your coursework. Your story was fun to read and I really liked the imagery you created. I love mermaids, so your story was great for me! I wish it was longer! You did a great job, keep it up in future stories!
On the cover page, my first thought was that there was a lot of space between the title and the picture. I do like how you have the water on the sides of the screen. With the picture being of a mermaid and the story being told kind of about a mermaid/monkey, it fits really well. In the introduction, you set up a nice atmosphere of adventure as Macchanu finds the hidden bookshelf and walks down the dark passageway. At the end of the story maybe you should try to explain why it took twelve years for Macchanu to find out who his father was and why Hanuman never sees his son. In the second letter you wrote “I knew you had something to talk about but we never actually ended up getting to that.” Why didn’t they get to that? Maybe add a sentence or two describing what happened to prevent them from getting their business done. The picture of the fish on the page of the first two letters doesn’t really fit with what’s going on. Maybe try to find a picture of the bridge being built or something. If the account of Macchanu is only in Thai versions of the story, how did you come to find out about him? Also, it’s hard to read what your links say due to the color of the words being very similar to your background. Overall this looks good and interesting!
ReplyDeleteHey Britney, I really appreciate the comments you posted on my blog about my storybook project. I am glad you enjoyed reading my storybook and had some advice to give me because that sure helps me do much better with my writing and storybook skills as well. I will definitely work on making sure my storybook writing gets better. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi Britney,
ReplyDeleteYour cover page seems a little plain. The photo you have chosen is great but it would really add a lot to the first page your readers view if you adding a few more photos or enlarged the current photo.
Your introduction is very descriptive and I am able to imagine your characters in action as their story is told. I absolutely love the way you have set this up. I was confused at first where this was going but the final paragraph was perfect. I cannot wait to read what the letters contain! The photo you chose is great because it helps explain further that these letters are happy love letters and not anything morbid.
I did not know where to go from the introduction because you links to the left are out of order. I went to “The First Letters” and I think that is where you wanted us to go after we read the introduction. You might try reordering these links- I know there is an explanation for how to do this on the class website!
Ah! I really like how modern Hanuman’s writing is. The way he appears very logical and wants to meet up with Suvannamaccha and talk things out is so much fun to imagine because it seems like nothing in the Ramayana is dealt with this way. There is always an ultimatum of some form and I really like how he just wants to work things out.
On first visiting your story book I noticed a nice aquatic theme and a picture of a half naked mermaid. I thought the design was good and easy to navigate. However, I would consider changing the font color on the image source link. The white font is impossible to read against your background. Also, the links to your pages are out of order. This happened to me as well and I had to play around with the settings to get them to behave. I thought your introduction did a great job of introducing your characters. You did an excellent job of showing just how curious Macchanu really is. As you being the first story you did a great job of portraying Macchanu as a sneaky kid up to some mischief. I really like how your first story ties in with the main plot of Ramayana. The first letter seems like something that Hanuman would actually write, very well done. The underwater image you included was great, it looks like Macchanu has some great views under there. I thought you did a great job creating your own story. You must have done some research to find the Thai version where Hanuman has a son. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHi Britney! Just got done going through your whole story book and I loved it! I'm glad that both of the storybooks I get to read this week are about love because I am naturally a hopeless romantic. I really loved reading about these characters that you chose to include because they were the ones who I did not pay too much attention to while reading. I was a little confused about the falling in love section about the introduction but I'm sure that will be an easy fix! I thought your pictures you picked worked great with giving your storybook a romantic feel! I really love stories where the characters are given such strong personalities and they are so evident in the text. You are so creative from what you have written and I love reading these characters come alive so much more than just what we have been reading! I also really like seeing stories through the eyes of other characters. I love having the freedom to manipulate them to feel however we want them to feel. Great job so far! Really love seeing everyone's individual personalities come out in these assignments! Can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteYour introduction had me hooked from the beginning about why this monkey had a mermaid mother. When you mentioned that he did not know who his father was, I knew the stories to follow would probably include a search for the father. Your creativity behind exploring the letters hidden deep in the chest of the dark room was great. I really felt like I was creeping down the dark stairwell with Macchanu and could feel his nervousness as he explored what was in the chest. You leave the reader hanging and allows a great transition into your first story.
ReplyDeleteYour first story starts off with Macchanu opening the letter with anxiety. Again, you can really feel the nervousness of Macchanu as you describe how he curls up and begins to read the letter. It transitions perfectly into the letter. The writing was kept simple and fits the style of writing a letter, which does not need a lot of fluffy vocabulary. After reading your Author's note, I was impressed with your decision to have Macchanu tell the stories even though he was not the storyteller in the original. It adds character and makes it more of an adventure to see if he will find out who his father is.
Hello Britney! Once again, I am left to state that I really enjoyed reading your stories! Last time I had only read your introduction, and so I was very excited to see what mysteries Macchanu had discovered. And I was not disappointed!
ReplyDeleteYour stories and letters are simple, and yet intriguing in their simplicity. I was able to see the story of Hanuman's and Suvannamaccha's relationship unfolding, and could sense the development of their respect and affections for each other throughout the letters. You are doing a fantastic job of creating a slow build, of drawing out the suspense in order to heighten the anticipation.
However, I did have a couple of suggestions to make. First, on the sidebar of your website, you have the link to your most recent story at the top above your introduction and first story. It may make more sense to visitors to your page (especially first time visitors!) if you moved this link to below the first story so that all of the page links are in order. Just a suggestion!!
Then, in "The First Letters," you have "he peeks out his. . ." when you should have, "out of his. . ." Also, in your story "Falling in Love," you have a couple of simple spelling/grammar mistakes that need fixed. For one, in the first letter on this page, you have, "You are such a beautiful women," instead of "You are such a beautiful woman." Easy enough to fix. then you have "preceded" instead of "proceeded" in the transition between the letters. Then, in the second letter, you have, "before no time," when you should have, "in no time." Again, just something simple to fix as you continue with your storybook.
Overall, great job!! I look forward to the rest of your tales!!
Okay, so you need to do a bit of cleaning up on your storybook. Your navigation is not in order, which made it incredibly confusing for me because I read everything out of order. Then you have an extra link for “Macchanu’s Discovery” at the top of your page, and you need to get rid of that. Other than that, I’m not a huge fan of the photos you’ve chosen for your storybook. They’re all different stylistically and it detracted from the believability of the storybook in a way. It makes everything not cohesive and I’m a big believer in cohesiveness. I think you’ve got a really interesting storybook here and I am so excited to read everything once it’s done, but right now it’s a hot, hot mess. I think your background could be a better picture, because the one you’ve got is a little blurry, and then I don’t understand the little bit of your content area that is see-through. It’s a little weird. I think it would be awesome if you put a picture in your heading of either water or mermaid scales (that would be gorgeous if you had purples and sky blues in it because then it would tie everything together color-wise). I know I’ve said a lot, but I promise, I really do love your storybook. Just fix the navigation!
ReplyDeleteHi Britney! I liked your introduction and first story so much that I’ve returned to read your second story. I’m writing these notes as I read the story, so this’ll hopefully have some order to it. Does Savannamaccha have a fear of germs or something? Why would a little cold prevent her from wanting to see him? Hanuman’s letter starts off very gooey like any good love letter. It feels strange how for half of each letter they’re lovers and the other half they’re foreign dignitaries. I can’t think of a better way to blend them, though. Maybe if you made the letters a little longer and added some more details about their romance or their meetings that would help. I can’t see the picture you chose, but my internet has been acting up today. I like how you chose to share Macchanu’s feelings as he learns about his father. One idea would be to have him describe how he envisions Hanuman every few letters so we can see how his opinion of his father changes. I went back and read over the first letters again and I wonder why Savannamaccha was so ready to abandon her father’s wishes to please this stranger. Maybe describe something that happened in their first meeting to make her switch loyalties. For the most part this is really good! I’m excited to see what’s in the last letters and how Macchanu reacts!
ReplyDeleteIntroduction: A story book about Hanuman falling in love with a mermaid. AWESOME! This is one portion of Ramayana that I wish Narayan and Buck but into their stories. I’m sure if it was a woman who wrote a version they would include this story. Anyways, you storybook is the first version of this part of the story that I have read, and I love it. I love the idea of telling the story of their love from the perspective of their child who does not know why he is half monkey. He must be one incredible child to be a son of Hanuman.
ReplyDeleteThe First Letters: I love Macchanu’s curiosity, and how he finds the letters in a hidden chamber. Anything found in a secret room has to be important and most likely pretty cool. This shows that his mom valued these letters above all of her other possessions.
Falling in Love: Ravana adds a little extra conflict within the story. The fact that he forbids his daughter from ever seeing Hanuman again adds the classic idea that love looks better when it is forbidden. You did a wonderful job with this. Overall I love your storybook, and I think you are doing a good job with it.
Hi Britney, I would like to say that your idea for your story book is really creative. Soon as I approached your website it caught my eye, mainly because of the blue ocean back ground which is a cooling effect to my eyes. The background also fit the idea of the story, where the boy is a mermaid who is swimming around to find out who his dad is. It all perfectly fit together. Your introduction was on point too, it did a great a job of explaining a character and conveying his feelings and using that to be the center of your story. After reading your first storybook post, I have to agree the letter format for your idea really does fit it pretty well. It was the perfect format to convey how things went down between the mermaid and Hanuman and also convey what the characters must be feelings since letters are wrote from a first person perspective. I couldn’t really think of anything that you could change or add to make your introduction or your story better as I thought it was perfect. Overall I enjoyed reading your work and really hope to be reading more in the future.
ReplyDeleteHey Britney. It's weird that after all the times that I've commented on your blog and storytelling posts, I hadn't actually seen your storybook.
ReplyDeleteCoverpage: I really liked the background that you chose. It fits really well with the picture of the mermaid on your coverpage. The only thing that I would suggest is changing the amount of space between the title and the picture. It doesn't make much of a difference, but it make be nice not to have to scroll to see the rest of the picture.
Introduction: What a great and suspenseful introduction! I really liked how you developed Macchanu's character. This is such a unique idea, and you have so much freedom in writing your stories since Macchanu's story is not explicitly defined in the Ramayana. The picture at the bottom also fits really well. I noticed one spelling mistake at the very end. You said that he "look out the letter" instead of that he took out the letter.
The First Letters: I really liked how you divided the stories into shorter letters. This style does a great job of allowing time to elapse between each topic that you want to discuss.
Great job so far! I look forward to reading more as you finish up your storybook.
Hey, Britney! What a fun story! I really enjoy stories of love and romance, so I especially enjoyed reading how this couple met and how they eventually would fall in love. The storybook was very easy to read and was not confusing which I really appreciate. I definitely was intrigued and wanted to keep reading on – I am looking forward to your next story! I also was very impressed at how much research you did for this storybook. In your author’s note you mentioned that according to Indian tradition, Hanuman doesn’t have any kids but in the Thai version, he does. This definitely shows your time and thought you put into getting the whole picture and looking things up online which is really impressive. I love how you set up the story through letter writing- it’s so romantic and sweet! On another note, your blog layout is very nice. The wave background helps out with the mermaid idea, and the text is easy to read on the background. Also, the pictures you used were so colorful and fun – it helped give it a fun sort of feel. I definitely have enjoyed reading your storybook and am really excited to read more of it!
ReplyDeleteHi Britney! I thought your cover page was interesting since I could only go off the title of the story and it was surprising to see a mermaid figure but after reading your introduction it made more sense to me. Also, the underwater background is a nice touch and fits with the theme. I thought your introduction was thought out and put together well. Making the main character a son of Hanuman (since he is half monkey) was creative. Making Macchanu so curious and adventurous was believable due to his circumstances as well. I like how he uses this character trait to ultimately lead him to the love letters, thus setting up the storybook. I think having Hanuman and Suvannamaccha write letters to eachother was a great route to take. The first letter to the mermaid from Hanuman gives the reader the background to how they meet and includes a story from the Ramayana which is perfect. I am glad you decided to have Macchanu read a second letter in the first story. The sweetness of the mermaid to Hanuman commenting on his attractive state was a clever way to add flirting and transforms the letters to 'love letters' like your title suggests. The author’s note included a lot of research you had done which adds dimension and credibility to your thought process and setup of this storybook so that was great!
ReplyDeleteI just realized when I went to post this comment that the title of your storybook is "love letters: Hanuman's discovery" but really it is all about Macchanu's discovery... might change that before the whole storybook is finished :)
ReplyDeleteBritney, this is the second time I have visited your storybook and this time I read the latest story ‘Falling in Love’. The title of this story indicates romance and I could see the flirting going on through the letters and I can tell they are infatuated with one another. I think it is important to know as a reader that at this time in this world, infatuation leads to love much like love at first sight between Sita and Rama. I like how you remind the reader that it is Macchanu who is reading these letters at the beginning by hiding his actions from his mother. Otherwise, you could have jumped right into telling the next letters and this wouldn’t have connected the stories together as well as you did so that was a creative call! I love how the two love birds bond over their hate for Ravana even though Suvannamaccha is his daughter. Also, the dreams that Macchanu has that night about what his father is like adds suspense to the story like you mention in your author’s note. It’s a fun journey for him to find out who his real father is and he gets to know the whole story from both sides through each of their letters otherwise he would only hear from his mother if directly asked so I love it!
Thank you for your comments over the semester! They really helped my storybook!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say thanks for the comments you left throughout the semester. They were always beneficial and helped to better my writings.
ReplyDeleteHi Britney,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say thank you so much for all of your advice and criticisms throughout the semester. It was all so helpful and I just really appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and help me out! Thank you thank you! Good luck with finals!